Not that I'm suggesting that Amy Schumer needs a husband, or even wants a husband, but if she was going to get one, here's a few reasons I would be an excellent choice. I wasn't sure how or if to group these, and in what sort of order, and I'm still not. So I suppose it's random.
I would never argue with her about anything. Whatever she said would go. Flexibility is the way to make things work, but that doesn't mean it can't be done honestly and openly.
Intelligent, funny, beautiful, sexy and more; she is so wonderful, how could I help but treat her as she deserves? I certainly would always do so, in real and noticeable ways. There would be no doubt in anyone's mind.
Delightful surprises and warmth and friendliness would always be in store, as appropriate and in appropriate ways.
That she's doing very well for herself is no problem, that's something to celebrate. There's no problem with supporting somebody, and feeling guilty or jealous is silly. Besides I have my own sources of funds, I don't need anything anyway. (Which of course also means no problem with any sort of prenuptial agreement if she thinks it prudent to have.)
Speaking of fame and fortune, I am an excellent source of advice on how to handle it. I can teach calm. She doesn't seem as if she needs it, but should it ever come up, I am there.
Massages, most people like those, and if she does, as many as she wants whenever. Candlelight bubble baths? Champagne on a ferris wheel? Horseback riding in the mountains? NASCAR? Tell me what you like and it will happen!
The body is a temple, and I would certainly worship at hers. Unless she wasn't comfortable with that, and then all she'd have to do is tell me what she was comfortable with and that would happen. If I need to figure it out, I can do that too.
Whenever we were together in those special ways, and you know they would be very special, my focus would be on her having as many as she wanted. First and foremost. That's no time to be selfish!
I know how to take care of a house, and I would find joy is making everything just so for her. Or if she had other plans, with doing or helping with whatever she wanted to have it like.
No problem with her having long work schedules or being on the road, me there or not. I would hope and expect because of proactive behavior on my part that she'd be looking forward to returning when I wasn't there. It would obviously be up to her when and if I went to what and how.
While I'm not a comedian or an actor I certainly know what's funny and what's believable. I would (at her request of course) be a sounding board, a participant, a thoughtful reviewer, or a constructive critic.
I know how to keep out of the way. I can amuse myself for endless amounts of time when needed, for weeks or even months. But I'd always be there when needed.
Well I think that's about it. So, Ms. Schumer, if you ever have any questions of me, please don't hesitate to ask.
